Great is Thy Faithfulness (A Wedding Reflection)

When asked what we were looking forward to over the Christmas holiday, Ben’s response was ‘Time’. With all that has taken place in our lives over the past few months there hasn’t been much time to slow down and simply think and process through all that has taken place. For many weeks I have been working on a photo project of our wedding pictures. Hours were spent editing and making things look just right as they were uploaded to an online photo scrapbook. Once finished it was an easy way to share pictures at a China side reception that we had at our home. How fun to be able to share this day with both old and new staff. In our Christmas package from home we received our wedding video. Other than a short wedding trailer we had yet to see it so it was fun to pull it out on Christmas Day and be able to revisit our wedding day. I am so glad that this day was captured through video and photography. There were several things we didn’t even notice or probably would not have even remembered if they had not been documented in this way.

Recently I have been asked by a couple of friends for advice in regards to planning a wedding- what worked, what do you wish you had done differently, what was your favorite part etc. This combined with wedding projects online, watching our video, and sharing with friends has been good for me. It has given me time to truly reflect and think back on that day.

I was one of those girls that dreamed of what my wedding day would be like for as long as I can remember. I read books, watched movies and TV shows (TLC The Wedding Story anyone?), and spent hours looking at websites, browsing magazines, and helping out at weddings in a variety of ways- from cutting cakes, singing songs, serving as a bridesmaid, or just lending a hand in the planning stage. I was and still am a huge fan of weddings. I had in my mind what I thought my wedding day would be like. For the longest time I envisioned a wedding similar to the one in ‘Father of the Bride’…. pink, tulle, classical music, and lots of flowers. Tastes change (for which I am sure Ben is grateful:) and my color scheme went from pink to pink and green, from green and blue to blue and yellow.

When asked what were your favorite moments or what is something you are glad you did…

I think back to the drive to the church- just me and my Dad. I think of the time I had once we arrived to sit in the quiet sanctuary and the few minutes to play the piano (Great is Thy Faithfulness). I think about being able to see the decorations before the guests arrived, of eating Chick-fil-A with the girls and pulling out the leftover cheesecake from the night before. I think of seeing all the little details fall into place thanks to the hard work of my Mom. I will never forget putting my dress on before taking pictures and having my Mom put her wedding pearls around my neck. I will never forget walking around Brooks, to take pictures- the very city where I went to elementary school and was inspired to teach. I will always remember the time of prayer with Ben (with a door in between us so we weren’t able to see each other beforehand :) and being able to hear his voice and hold his hand one last time before walking down the aisle. I will never forget walking up to the sanctuary doors and hearing beautiful music being played, of being able to see last minute guests arrive, and realizing as we got closer that this was really about to happen. I will never forget walking down the aisle and seeing a room full of family and friends with my best friend at the end waiting for me. Verses shared, the Lord’s Supper, Vows and rings exchanged, our first kiss, and the announcement that we were now man and wife.

Looking back when I am asked if there is anything I would change… perhaps. I could respond by saying I would have eaten more cake or danced more, but in the end when it is all said and done it isn’t about that day. That day is simply a launching pad for a future with someone that God has called you to be with. I am still new at this thing called ‘marriage’. Ben and I have almost been married for 6 months now. Despite the ups and downs, the times of uncertainty we promised on our wedding day that we would be by each other in the laughter and the tears. We have indeed had our share of both, but I have seen His hand of faithfulness time and time again in our lives. He didn’t bring us together and then leave us to our own devices, rather He is with us each step of the way…leading, directing, and challenging us as we learn how to take things one day at a time. Give us this day our daily bread….

Soccer and Healing

Growing up I was not in to sports. I was more the musical, like to read books, and sit on the side lines kind of kid. I would go to football games with friends as a social activity, but I didn’t always understand what was happening nor was I one to yell or cheer loudly. I sat quietly by, took pictures, and talked with those around me. When I came to China there were opportunities to coach various sports team- either middle school or high school students. I thought it would be a neat way to get to know students, but didn’t really feel that I had what it took to do so. So I found ways for myself and my students to support the coaches and the team whether through notes or hanging banners in the hallways and was content to continue in this way.

One of the first times that Ben and I were apart was when he was coaching a middle school soccer team. As this year’s season drew close the idea of the two of us coaching together came into a discussion. From the beginning I knew that I would need to rely on Ben for the coaching part- drills etc. and that I would be more of a moral support type of person. I enjoyed playing soccer, but my last memories of playing soccer involved tearing ligaments in my ankle- not so fun :(. As sign-ups began we quickly discovered that we weren’t going to have enough to start the season so Ben started practicing with the boys soccer team with the idea that if enough girls signed up then perhaps we could start a team together.

Two weeks into the season we had exactly enough girls for a team- 5 from our school and 2 from a local French school. Our first practice was indoors due to the rain. I tried to complete the activities alongside the girls, but as I was still recovering from a miscarriage I held back a bit. We took a few minutes to share with the girls our goals for the season- teamwork, encouragement, and try your best.

Practices continued twice a week from this point on. I could see myself at this age so many times in these girls- many were afraid of the ball, many were learning the game for the first time, and many were learning how to build confidence in themselves. As the soccer tournament drew near we learned that we would gain additional players in order to have subs (with our current numbers the girls wouldn’t be able to take breaks during games). We weren’t sure what this would look like, but we continued having drills, ran games with the boys soccer team, and even played a high school team that was training to be in the Olympics (side note- this team was amazing and really helped our girls learn not only strategies on how to play, but also encouraged them to step it up a notch).

The tournament weekend arrived. I said goodbye to my students and we headed to Qingdao. It was so nice to be with Ben this go round rather than being apart. We had our first meeting together, passed out goody bags, and met our additional players. Although a bit awkward at first the girls truly blended well together. We played a total of three games our first day- the first we won, the second we tied, and the third we won. I was so proud of how they had come together and how hard they were fighting. They had such great attitudes despite the fact that it was cold and at times raining. At one point I surprised myself when I jumped in the air when one of the girls scored a goal.

In between games we had the chance to take the girls to the beach. They all quickly formed a circle and started a game with one of the soccer balls we had on hand. Ben was watching all of their stuff and I found myself drawn to the water. Despite that fact that I wasn’t wearing the proper shoes and the fact that the tide was coming in I was quite determined to find a way to make it to the water. So I took a break from the group and made my way to the crashing waves. There were people walking around, fishing, and taking pictures, but I didn’t hear them. I only heard the waves and whistle of the air. As I breathed in the salty air and saw the beautiful view of mountains and water my heart felt this overwhelming sense of peace. Here I was in Qingdao China with my husband standing by the ocean with a group of amazing, fun-loving girls. I was here not as a spectator, but as coach. Never in my wildest dreams would I have dreamed this one up.

I knew I couldn’t stay long, but as I took one last look at the view around me in my heart I heard the Father speak to me ‘I love you my child’. It was at that moment that I knew that despite all that had gone on in my life over the past few months the Father had not left me. He planned this moment by the ocean to not only hear these words, but to begin the inner healing that must come after a time of loss. As I made my way back to my husband and the girls I couldn’t help but smile. Although it hadn’t felt like it at times He had been with me each step of the way. He took a non-athletic girl from Georgia and put the idea of coaching into her head. Despite a late start that idea turned to a reality. To top it off He provided a quiet moment- a moment of inner healing. Who knew that coaching soccer could lead to a moment such as this :)

The In Between Phase

Written on October 21, 2013

For as long as I can remember my name as a teacher was Miss Ivey. It was what I was used to hearing. I remember joking with my students at times that I was going to get married just so I could hear a new name (if you teach you know what I mean :). … and that’s exactly what happened.

To start off let me say that I love beginning married. Yes there has been an adjustment of figuring out life together, but how sweet it has been to be able to share life with each other on a daily basis- no saying goodbye. At the same time I have found myself struggling to find my role, to find out where I fit and belong. I am no longer single so I don’t feel that I fit with the singles and although I am married many of those that are married around me have kids. Although it is my heart’s desire to be a Mom sometime I can’t relate to what it is like to have kids in the home or to having your life revolve around the schedule of a baby or toddler.

I find myself in a tug of war of sorts. Where do I fit? Where do I belong? I am no longer Miss Ivey. I am now Mrs. Longenecker. I am in an in between phase of sorts that doesn’t exactly make sense at the moment. I find myself trying to come up with a plan for how to get out of this phase, this funk that I have seemed to have slipped into. As I ponder this even now I wonder… are these questions I should be asking?

I am reminded of Esther who was given a role for ‘such a time as this’. She wasn’t fighting the place or role that God had given her; rather she was embracing her role. She was doing everything in her power to use her role to help those around her. Why am I fighting? Why can’t I just embrace the role and the place that I am in currently? I seem to remember this was a challenge presented by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7- “…each one, should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him” (verse 17) and “Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him” (verse 20).

For the time being God has called me to a teacher, to be married…. nothing more and nothing less. May I stop fighting and embrace where He has placed me. May I be willing to set aside my thoughts on what I should be doing or what I should be and be exactly what He has called me to be for the time being.

Marriage vs. Teaching

We just returned from our annual teaching conference in Beijing. There we sat in multiple sessions about teaching strategies, ideas for improvement, and reminders of what we should be doing in our classroom. One presenter shared the idea that nothing she was sharing was new and was probably all information that we had learned in our under grad programs. The purpose of sharing the information now was that we now had context to go with the information we were hearing.
I started thinking about this idea of learning information before having context to work with. My mind moved beyond teaching to marriage. Before Ben and I were married we met with different couples for counseling, received direction from the pastor that married us, had multiple discussions using guided questions, and read book after book of advice and suggestions on what would make our marriage last. I do believe that all the preparation we went through was not only helpful, but beneficial. At the same time no matter how many ways you prepare for marriage there is nothing like having context to go with all the preparation that got you there in the first place.

Now I will say right off the bat that having only been married for three months I am by no means an expert at marriage. At the same time I will say there is something about taking all that information that you have been cramming in our head for some many months and actually having the context to apply it to. Is it easy? No, it requires lots of communication (hmm…. It seems like this was one of the top words of advice from friends… communicate, communicate, communicate :).

There is a huge learning curve as you learn how the day in and day out should work. As you try to determine who is responsible for which chores. As you learn what it is like to share space while at the same time giving each other space. In many ways I found myself going into marriage with huge expectations on myself. I wanted to be the 1950s housewife that kept a perfect home, who prepared gourmet meals for her husband every night, and somehow was able to look put together in the process. But how was that possible with both of us working full time jobs as well as being involved in afterschool activities?

I am so grateful to be married to a man that doesn’t have these expectations of me and who has multiple times over come beside me to help around the house from mopping to going grocery shopping. His patience has helped this process of transition …..of figuring out life together so much easier.

Now if only I could find ways to give myself grace in this area….. I have a feeling this is going to be a daily dying to self; a daily laying my day at His feet. I know I will need all the help I can get. May the verses from Psalms 139 be my heart’s desire.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

Loss Before Gain

Written on: September 23, 2013

For about a month after returning to China I just felt off, completely wiped out and exhausted. I found myself falling asleep around 6 or 7 ever evening. I had a thought cross my mind as I considered how I was feeling that it seemed like I was pregnant, but that was impossible… right?

I decided in the end to just tack it up to a crazy time of the year as I adjusted to not only my role as a wife, but also to my transition to teaching full time once again.

On August 31st something wasn’t right. I was in quite a bit of pain and began to experience symptoms that didn’t make sense. It was decided that we needed to get things checked out so we went to an International clinic. There after sharing, running some tests and having an exam it was discovered that it appeared that we had indeed been pregnant, but I had had a miscarriage.

My mind was in a state of shock and I didn’t even know what to think or how to feel. On our way home I lost it. I wanted to be home- not China- but home. I wanted to be with my family, to have a hug from my Dad, and hear my Mom say everything was going to be okay. Instead we were hearing this news only hours before Ben would be leaving for Fall Camp. We went home…. we shared with a few close friends… and cried.

Ben left the next morning and I felt like my world had ended. I had to stay strong… after all I had two days of teaching. Despite the fact that I had planned activities and events on nights that Ben was out of town I ended up just getting through the day and then going home to ‘rest’ or at least try to ‘rest’. I found myself wanting to do everything possible to not process. I didn’t want to process alone so I shoved all emotions inside for the three days Ben was gone. I plowed ahead filling my days with laundry, cleaning, and organizing…. anything to get my mind off the pain I was filling inside. As I cleaned I came across some items I had collected over the years for the day when I had a child… I quickly put them away trying not to think about what had taken place.

Ben returned and as we began to process together I began to think through the past month… the times I had been sick and had taken medicine, the times I had pushed myself through the exhaustion because I had so many things to get done…it was then that the lies began to pour in. As I began to research miscarriage I began to hear voices in my head that said ‘This was your fault, you killed your child, if only you had been more careful, you thought you were pregnant… why didn’t you listen to your body?’ and on and on they came.

I decided that retreat was the only way to get through this. I avoided groups… didn’t go to fellowship for multiple weeks, debated when and how to share with people, and despite all the efforts I made to read and pray…. I hit rock bottom and began to go through the motions of day in and day in life.

It didn’t help that the symptoms one would typically have with a pregnancy still lingered. My emotions were all over the place and even the littlest thing could make my start to cry. Being a teacher and being around kids all day was not easy and it made me begin to wonder what our child would have been like if nothing had gone wrong… Was it a boy or a girl? What would we have named them? How would we have decorated their nursery?
As I was in the process of writing this entry I was reminded of the song- ‘He Knows My Name’. The lyrics are:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

So as I process through all that has taken place and as it becomes a struggle at times to even get through the day, to be around people, or to even process through the thoughts swirling around in my head I can be confident that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it. He has a plan and a purpose for everything He allows us to go through. He hears us, He sees us, and desires to call us to Himself.

I am so grateful for a Father that provides exactly what we need at just the right time. We are not forsaken, He is with us each step of the way.

Coffee with God

As I write this Ben is at school preparing a goat brain for tomorrow’s dissection. Although I stopped by for a quick picture my stomach couldn’t handle the smell nor could my ears handle the noise as he sawed through the goat’s skull. So after wrapping up a few lose ends in my classroom I made my way to Starbucks for a time of reading and processing through the day (or past few days for that matter). As I sat down at my seat with a cake and coffee in hand I looked up to see a chair empty in front of me. The first thing that came to my mind was ‘Coffee with God’. This title stuck in my head and I began to ponder those few words. Coffee…hmm… although I didn’t mind the smell growing up I never appreciated the taste until Ben and I started dating (he introduced me to vanilla lattes :). I thought back to the many times I sat with a coffee in hand on a date nights with Ben. We discussed dreams, answered each other’s questions, and shared for hours as if we had all the time in the world. I also think back to the many shopping trips or adventures to get a haircut that led to stopping in for a coffee. Over a cup of coffee conversation flowed or a few minutes to rest and read took place. Regardless so many memories have revolved around sitting and enjoying coffee.

So for today I visit this idea of ‘Coffee with God’. What would that look like or rather is it just a frame of mind- taking the time to slow down enough to enjoy something savory- whether that be a cup of coffee or truth from His Word. In a recent blog post I mentioned the idea of being still. This is not always something I want to do and so often it is easy to just plug along and get the many ‘to do’s off ones list. But as I write this and I consider enjoying a cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake I have to smile and think that just for this moment of time I can enjoy a time of solace, a time where no one demands my time, no problems have to be figured out for tomorrow….rather I can sit with my Maker and enjoy an ice cold vanilla latte. How truly sweet to be reminded that whether we are sitting in a coffee shop or are walking through town He is with us. No matter where we are we can take the time to enjoy a cup of coffee (whether in the figurative or literal sense of the word :).

'Be Still'...

‘Be still’ is not exactly part of my vocabulary. My mind is constantly running in a million different directions to the point where when I am still I probably have a ‘to do’ list playing out in my mind- What will we eat for dinner? What else do I need to prepare for tomorrow’s lesson? Should I tackle the laundry tonight or continue organizing? and on and on I can go.

This weekend I had a bit of a wake-up call. After only two days of school I got sick. Not a little cold that makes you sneeze and a bit tired, but rather completely knocked out headache, fever, achiness… the works. I was quite frustrated with myself. It was not good timing in my mind. I was still trying to figure out things at school and this week would be my first full week with my students. So instead of diving head on into the week I was stuck in bed. Despite my exhaustion I was determined to get some work done so I washed some dishes, sent e-mails, typed up my weekly newsletter, and even started making dinner plans. Then my computer started running super slow so I decided to restart it. After multiple attempts to turn it back on I decided that all hope was not gone…I could just start using Ben’s computer.

It was then that it hit me. Was I making the most of my day? Was I taking it easy and allowing my body to get the rest that I needed? Had I taken the time to ‘Be Still’ or was I determined to move forward despite how I was feeling? And so I slowed down for a time of reflection.

After Ben and I got married he wrapped up his annual read through the Bible. When he started back up again I decided to join him so I am currently knee deep in Exodus. As I revisited this familiar chapter today I was reminded of a passage I recently read in chapter 14 verse 14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I was reminded of how hard I had been fighting over the past few months to simply keep my head above water - to be a principal, a teacher, a fiancé (now wife), daughter, and friend. When I reached moments of feeling defeat (when I didn’t think I had lived up to my expectations for myself) I beat myself up on the inside telling myself that I had failed those around me. The problem was I wasn’t letting Him fight for me. I was trying to do everything on my own strength, in my own way, and in my own timing. For a while it seemed to work, but no one can go on forever without taking the time to rest, to ‘Be Still’.

Since I have known Ben he has been a proponent of me taking breaks and getting rest. Needless to say I haven’t always been supportive of this idea as I felt there were too many things that needed to be done. But O how sweet to think back to the times when I did listen to his advice. When I took a leap of faith to take a day off, when I pushed work aside for the moment to read and pray, when I spent time listening to a friend rather than checking off items on a list of ‘to dos’. To ‘Be Still’, to slow down…. is it easy? No and I’m afraid it will be a lesson that I will be learning time and time again. So for today as I sip my juice and take my meds I am content to ‘Be Still’, to lay this year at His feet, and to wait in anticipation of what He is going to do.

Back to blogging

This blog was originally set up for a technology class that I was taking while getting my Masters degree. Recently I decided to revisit this blog and start writing again. I just added a recent entry entitled: Thoughts on Home. I hope to visit this blog more often as a place to put my thoughts down on paper so to speak :)

Thoughts on Home

Written on July 28, 2013

Looking at magazines like Southern Living all these years painted a picture in my head of what a home should look like- perfectly dressed families with coordinating outfits, tables that are laden with elaborate meals and décor and seat 16 of your closest friends, and beds decked out in layers of the finest sheets and enough pillows to satisfy even the pickiest of pillow connoisseur. Upon getting married I pictured myself being one of the women pictured in the magazine. I imagined that my hope chest items that I had so carefully guarded along with wedding gifts would stock my home to be one of perfection. Little did I know that I would be called to a place on the other side of the world, a place that would limit me from using those precious breakable items stored up for so many years. I didn’t know that I would be setting up an apartment in a place where there wasn’t a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and that finding items that I deemed important would be impossible to find.

So would I fail in setting up the home of my dreams? Now that the wedding is over and my marriage has begun I have had many moments of wrestling with this question. How could I set up a home in a foreign country where so many things seemed to be complicated? In thinking through these things I began to think through what the word ‘home’ actually means. In the minds of the women of Southern Living a home focuses around the things you have and what they look like, how many shades of blue you are able to coordinate into a room, and if your peach pie has a perfectly golden crust. But, in the end do these things really matter? The Bible says that things will be destroyed by moth and dust- this I have witnessed all too often living where I do. If our focus is on the things of this world then our focus is not where it needs to be. A home should not be a place of stuff or things rather it should be a safe place for people to gather and fellowship, a place for a family to be raised in the truths of God’s Word, and a place where His message can be proclaimed to the world.
The easier route may be to stay in a comfy home where you have access to all that you need (and there is nothing wrong with doing so if that is where you have been called), but what does that mean for those of us that have been called to a place very far from what we remember to be ‘home’. Have we failed? Perhaps we have from the eyes of magazine, but in His eyes we haven’t failed. Yes there will be days where you will be absolutely frustrated, where things just don’t seem to go as planned, where everything you try to accomplish just doesn’t work the way you intended…. In the end it isn’t about us setting up our home, rather it is about Him setting up our home through us. As the saying goes ‘Home is where the Heart Is’. In many ways that is true. Where our hearts are- including the attitude of our hearts affects our outlook on what the word ‘home’ truly means.

So after processing through this a bit do I still harbor the desire for a perfect home- yes in some ways I do…. it will always be a dream to live in a Southern home with a white picket fence and a wrap-around porch. Who knows maybe one day it will happen. Until then I am confident that He who brought me all the way across the world sees the big picture and knows exactly what I need. For today I can smile as I write this as I watch the sun set over the lake and am reminded of the humble white picket fence from my bedroom window- He knows our every thought :)