‘Be still’ is not exactly part of my vocabulary. My mind is constantly running in a million different directions to the point where when I am still I probably have a ‘to do’ list playing out in my mind- What will we eat for dinner? What else do I need to prepare for tomorrow’s lesson? Should I tackle the laundry tonight or continue organizing? and on and on I can go.
This weekend I had a bit of a wake-up call. After only two days of school I got sick. Not a little cold that makes you sneeze and a bit tired, but rather completely knocked out headache, fever, achiness… the works. I was quite frustrated with myself. It was not good timing in my mind. I was still trying to figure out things at school and this week would be my first full week with my students. So instead of diving head on into the week I was stuck in bed. Despite my exhaustion I was determined to get some work done so I washed some dishes, sent e-mails, typed up my weekly newsletter, and even started making dinner plans. Then my computer started running super slow so I decided to restart it. After multiple attempts to turn it back on I decided that all hope was not gone…I could just start using Ben’s computer.
It was then that it hit me. Was I making the most of my day? Was I taking it easy and allowing my body to get the rest that I needed? Had I taken the time to ‘Be Still’ or was I determined to move forward despite how I was feeling? And so I slowed down for a time of reflection.
After Ben and I got married he wrapped up his annual read through the Bible. When he started back up again I decided to join him so I am currently knee deep in Exodus. As I revisited this familiar chapter today I was reminded of a passage I recently read in chapter 14 verse 14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I was reminded of how hard I had been fighting over the past few months to simply keep my head above water - to be a principal, a teacher, a fiancé (now wife), daughter, and friend. When I reached moments of feeling defeat (when I didn’t think I had lived up to my expectations for myself) I beat myself up on the inside telling myself that I had failed those around me. The problem was I wasn’t letting Him fight for me. I was trying to do everything on my own strength, in my own way, and in my own timing. For a while it seemed to work, but no one can go on forever without taking the time to rest, to ‘Be Still’.
Since I have known Ben he has been a proponent of me taking breaks and getting rest. Needless to say I haven’t always been supportive of this idea as I felt there were too many things that needed to be done. But O how sweet to think back to the times when I did listen to his advice. When I took a leap of faith to take a day off, when I pushed work aside for the moment to read and pray, when I spent time listening to a friend rather than checking off items on a list of ‘to dos’. To ‘Be Still’, to slow down…. is it easy? No and I’m afraid it will be a lesson that I will be learning time and time again. So for today as I sip my juice and take my meds I am content to ‘Be Still’, to lay this year at His feet, and to wait in anticipation of what He is going to do.
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