Loss Before Gain

Written on: September 23, 2013

For about a month after returning to China I just felt off, completely wiped out and exhausted. I found myself falling asleep around 6 or 7 ever evening. I had a thought cross my mind as I considered how I was feeling that it seemed like I was pregnant, but that was impossible… right?

I decided in the end to just tack it up to a crazy time of the year as I adjusted to not only my role as a wife, but also to my transition to teaching full time once again.

On August 31st something wasn’t right. I was in quite a bit of pain and began to experience symptoms that didn’t make sense. It was decided that we needed to get things checked out so we went to an International clinic. There after sharing, running some tests and having an exam it was discovered that it appeared that we had indeed been pregnant, but I had had a miscarriage.

My mind was in a state of shock and I didn’t even know what to think or how to feel. On our way home I lost it. I wanted to be home- not China- but home. I wanted to be with my family, to have a hug from my Dad, and hear my Mom say everything was going to be okay. Instead we were hearing this news only hours before Ben would be leaving for Fall Camp. We went home…. we shared with a few close friends… and cried.

Ben left the next morning and I felt like my world had ended. I had to stay strong… after all I had two days of teaching. Despite the fact that I had planned activities and events on nights that Ben was out of town I ended up just getting through the day and then going home to ‘rest’ or at least try to ‘rest’. I found myself wanting to do everything possible to not process. I didn’t want to process alone so I shoved all emotions inside for the three days Ben was gone. I plowed ahead filling my days with laundry, cleaning, and organizing…. anything to get my mind off the pain I was filling inside. As I cleaned I came across some items I had collected over the years for the day when I had a child… I quickly put them away trying not to think about what had taken place.

Ben returned and as we began to process together I began to think through the past month… the times I had been sick and had taken medicine, the times I had pushed myself through the exhaustion because I had so many things to get done…it was then that the lies began to pour in. As I began to research miscarriage I began to hear voices in my head that said ‘This was your fault, you killed your child, if only you had been more careful, you thought you were pregnant… why didn’t you listen to your body?’ and on and on they came.

I decided that retreat was the only way to get through this. I avoided groups… didn’t go to fellowship for multiple weeks, debated when and how to share with people, and despite all the efforts I made to read and pray…. I hit rock bottom and began to go through the motions of day in and day in life.

It didn’t help that the symptoms one would typically have with a pregnancy still lingered. My emotions were all over the place and even the littlest thing could make my start to cry. Being a teacher and being around kids all day was not easy and it made me begin to wonder what our child would have been like if nothing had gone wrong… Was it a boy or a girl? What would we have named them? How would we have decorated their nursery?
As I was in the process of writing this entry I was reminded of the song- ‘He Knows My Name’. The lyrics are:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

So as I process through all that has taken place and as it becomes a struggle at times to even get through the day, to be around people, or to even process through the thoughts swirling around in my head I can be confident that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it. He has a plan and a purpose for everything He allows us to go through. He hears us, He sees us, and desires to call us to Himself.

I am so grateful for a Father that provides exactly what we need at just the right time. We are not forsaken, He is with us each step of the way.