Lessons from Motherhood

Written May 18, 2015

I have only been a Mom for just shy of 4 months now, but it has by far been one of the most stretching and rewarding jobs I have ever had. My little one has taught me so much (although I am pretty sure she doesn’t realize it :) so I decided in honor of Mother’s Day this month I would take the time to write down some of the things I have learned during this new phase in life.

1-Start the day with a smile- I can never remember a time where I was a morning person. I have always enjoyed sleeping in, lazy Sunday mornings, and sleep in general. Having a child definitely changes your sleep patterns and although we have gotten into more of a routine with sleeping multiple hours in a row I still find myself waking up throughout the night (got used to all those late night feedings I suppose). Despite this there is nothing sweeter than waking up and looking over into Emma’s little bed and seeing her smiling face. She may not be happy when I pick her up and she realizes how hungry she is, but regardless she started the day on the right foot and it is a good reminder to me that despite the early hour it may be at the time starting the day with a smile is always a good way to go.

2-Slow down- One thing that feeding a newborn every two hours has taught me is the importance of taking the time to slow down. I constantly get in go mode and try to tackle a hundred different things all at once so actually having to sit down multiple times throughout the day has really sifted my focus to the importance of actually taking a breather throughout the day. Whether I just sit and do nothing, read a book, watch a show, or work on a fun craft or project. It really does help give me a mental break of sorts from whatever I am working on at the time.

3-Naps are important- While we are on the subject of slowing down I am reminded of the importance of taking naps. I am typically not a huge fan of naps. Most of the time in fact they make me feel quite groggy and out of it to the point where I avoid them all together. Sometimes though when exhaustion hits you just have to stop and take advantage of your little ones nap and take one yourself. It is amazing what 30 mins of rest can do to ones outlook on life.

4-The Housework can wait- When Ben and I first got married I vowed I would be the most amazing housewife that kept a clean home and prepared amazing meals. That was easier said than done when we were both working full time jobs, but I was still able to keep a schedule of sorts where I would take care of certain jobs at certain times throughout the week (wash towels on Saturday, wash dishes nightly etc.). With a baby in the picture that has drastically changed my weekly schedule. I can no longer go to the store whenever I want to or prepare detailed recipes for dinner. Although we have settled into some sort of routine things come up throughout the day that may require a bit of reshuffling or restricting to the day. Emma may have a fussy afternoon which means dinner may be delayed (or burned :), the dishes and laundry may pile up, and the floors may not be cleaned as regularly as hoped. Ben has been so gracious during this time of transition. Not only has he gone above and beyond with helping me get things done, but he has also on many occasions watched Emma so I could tackle a project or focus on dinner (without interruptions). He has also been very understanding when coming home to a bit of a chaotic house which happens more nights than others.

5-Messes Happen- On that note let me just say it in another way…messes happen. There are going to be days where the baby has an explosive diaper that involves major clean-up of the changing station. There will be days where they throw up all over the couch and the floor and you end up having to dismantle the entire sofa, take a shower, changing clothes mid-morning (both yours and the babys), and you start the day feeling like you got nothing done. Hang in there! Those days will come. Life is messy (sometimes literally speaking :) and the sooner we can step back and give ourselves grace for mistakes whether big or small the better.

6-Take a walk- We have discovered that just like Daddy Emma likes to get out of the house. She loves going on adventures big or small-whether to the local grocery store or on the subway across town. There have been days where she has been extremely fussy or out of sorts and as soon as I pull out the carrier and take her outside she is perfectly fine. I consider myself to be more of a home body, but there is something about getting out of the house for a bit-even if just for a walk around the block. It is a time to not only get a little exercise, but to get a break and clear your head from what is going on at home.

7-Little things are big deals- I am a ‘to do’ list kind of person. I love making lists and I have joked that my lists have lists. I am constantly writing down notes to myself of all kinds from what to buy at the store to little projects I need to tackle around the apartment. When you have a baby a ‘to do’ list many days gets thrown out the door. Once a routine is put in place you began to start feeling a bit more normal, but there are still days where you end up strapping your baby in the carrier to get chores done around the house, you don’t make it to the store because it would be too much trouble to go out in the pouring down rain…..there are days when taking a shower is a huge victory and you feel like super women if you are able to not only bathe, but put a hot meal on the table. If you send an e-mail or fold a pile of laundry you feel like you should receive an award or have a standing ovation as you walk down the road. Little things really do become big deals. You appreciate things like never before. You began to savor a cup of tea when you have those few moments, you enjoy silence when it happens as you know it won’t be for long, you appreciate each page of a book that you are able to read, and watching a show without screaming in the background is an amazing feat.

8-You can’t do it alone- For as long as I can remember I have heard the phrase it takes a village to raise a child. After having one of my own I totally understand what they were trying to say. It is so important to have the support of your family and friends on this journey. We need people to share with, to bounce ideas back and forth with, to hold our child when we can’t seem to calm them down, to pray for us, to give us words of advice and affirmation after a long day at home…. relationships are important. They are what get us through the tough times and lift our spirits when we need a bit of encouragement.

Emmanuel-God With Us

Written on February 25, 2015

You may be wondering why I have titled my blog ‘Emmanuel’. This is a reference to God one many times hears around the holiday season which as we approach the end of February has definitely past. I have wanted to sit down over the past few weeks to share the story of Emma’s birth and now that we are home and are for the most part settled I have a bit of time to do just that.

You see Emma’s arrival was not exactly how I imagined giving birth to my first born would be like. I pictured something similar to a scene out of Father of the Bride II where the daughter walks in her parent’s room, tells them it is time, and they get in their car and go to the hospital down the street. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be moving to another city away from community and all things familiar a month before Emma arrived (due to travel restrictions etc.)

How does one prepare for being away from home for so long? How do you know what to bring and how to pack? It’s not like you can have your husband get in the car and drive home if you forgot something. Many times as I prepared to leave (as it was the Christmas season :), I was reminded time and time again of the story of Christ's birth. When I found myself getting overwhelmed with the logistics of travel and packing I was reminded how Mary traveled very late in her pregnancy on a donkey- going by train to another city was nothing compared to this. I was reminded of how blessed I was to have a clean and safe place to deliver little Emma- rather than a stable surrounded by animals.

The name ‘Emmanuel’ means ‘God with Us’. This name came into my mind during our stay in Beijing. The room I was staying in had a cloth on the nightstand. One night I had a cup of water sitting on the nightstand and when I reached over to get it I noticed something as I had covered part of the word up with my cup. All that I saw was ‘Emma’ …… Emma the name of our daughter. I then proceeded to pick up my glass to see the rest of the word ‘Emmanuel’. It was a perfect reminder to me that despite being in another city, being separated from Ben for a period of time, the fear of the unknown in regards to delivery…. He was going to be with me each step of the way. He had already provided safe travels to Beijing (including a separate lounge area where we were able to transport all of our luggage to the train in an elevator) as well as made a way for my Mom to come over during my time away from home.

Saturday, January 24th

This day was a day I had been looking forward to as it was the day that Ben would return to Beijing (as he had to return to Wuhan for a couple of weeks to work). Early that morning before the sun had even made its appearance I felt some strong and intense pains in my abdomen and lower back. As they continued and began to intensify I began to think that maybe this was it…. the start of labor. So I went and told my Mom, but shortly after the pains stopped and that was that.

Wednesday, January 28th

On this night we ate dinner with a couple that was living in China in the same complex we were staying in. They were from Peachtree City which is a town super close to where I grew up. I am always amazed at the people you run in to on the other side of the world.

Thursday, January 29th

The pains returned in the early morning hours and were coming more frequently (although still not close enough to go to the hospital). As we were quite a distance away from the hospital (that could vary with traffic and the time of day) we decided to pack up our stuff and spend the day in the hospital area. That way if I did continue to progress we would be close. As the contractions were continuing it was decided that we would check in to a hotel for the evening. We ate dinner at Peter’s Tex Mex, stopped by the grocery store (in search of chocolate milk- a random craving I was having… we ended up going to Starbucks and purchased an iced hot chocolate- it was as close as we could get). It was a long night and I didn’t get much sleep as the pains were getting more intense and closer together.

Friday, January 30th

After calling the hospital we packed up and headed out. There I was checked to determine if I was indeed in labor. Contractions were steady and at this point I was only dilated at a 1. They did decide to go ahead and admit me so we made our way to a hospital room and got settled in. As the day progressed the pains got more and more intense, but I wasn’t dilating quickly. You may laugh, but one of my fears in giving birth was where and when my water would break. With all the traveling about I was envisioning being in a taxi or on a bus so I was very surprised that my water broke on the toilet- I couldn’t believe it! Ben went out at one point and returned with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a vanilla frapaccino. He was such a trooper through the whole process and I was blessed to have him by my side during this whole process.

Late afternoon I was only around 3 or 4 cm dilated. I had an amazing group of midwives during this time that helped with pain management. Two gave me back massages during contractions, one set me up in a hot bath, and I pretty much spent the evening sitting on an exercise ball- it actually helped with the pain surprisingly. At one point Ben turned on Anne of Green Gables for a bit of a diversion- let’s just say I wasn’t watching the movie, but it was nice to have it on in the background :)

My Dad arrived late evening, but still no sign of Emma arriving any time soon. After more than one day of having contractions and little sleep I was exhausted. They began to talk to me about the use of an epidural… which I wasn’t opposed to, but was hoping to not have to use. But as we approached the early morning hours of January 31st I knew I couldn’t go on much longer on my own.

Saturday, January 31st

It was decided that I would get an epidural so that I could get some rest for delivery. I was a bit nervous about getting one with my crooked spine and the fact that they were trying to insert it during contractions – what if I moved?. I then slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I had to go to the bathroom, but one of my legs was completely numb like it was asleep. I was quite determined to try to get up and the midwife agreed to let me try, but I quickly discovered that there was no way I would make it. I was checked again and at this point I was around an 8…. not quite there yet so I went back to sleep. At 7:30 that morning the midwife returned for another check. I was now at a 10 so she then proceeded to tell me to eat breakfast and that we would start pushing at 8:00. We quickly contacted my parents who were staying at a hotel nearby and I attempted to eat- which wasn’t much. Was this really about to happen?

The epidural had worn out a bit and I started to feel some of the contractions. So before getting started they made an adjustment on the dosage- which was great for the pain, but now I couldn’t feel either one of my legs. My contractions were steady, but weren’t close enough to get things going so it was decided that I needed to get some pitocin in my system to get things moving faster. They waited a bit to let the medicine to kick in and I was able to get a bit more rest before trying to deliver again.

Side note: The doctor that I had been seeing throughout my pregnancy was on call so she was able to be in and out of the room throughout the morning- God’s timing for sure.

As we approached the noon hour the room began to fill up with people scurrying about and prepping the room for Emma’s arrival. Pushing with two legs that are completely numb is quite hilarious. I needed help from Ben and one of the midwives during labor to hold my legs up. We started pushing around 8 (with a break in between for pitocin to kick in) and shortly after 12 Emma had arrived. She came out and they put her on my chest- there she was. My first thought was ‘How did that just come out of me?’, followed by ‘Is this really happening?’. My Mom walked around took pictures and made sure foot prints were added to Emma’s baby book and before I knew it Emma (now all cleaned up) returned to my side. She was a bit fussy so I started talking to her. She calmed down, was looking right at me, and wrapped her little fingers around mine… I was immediately smitten.

Side note: It was lunchtime and they almost wheeled in a cart of spaghetti. Luckily my Dad stopped them. Later that day Ben brought me a delicious chocolate éclair from the little bakery downstairs- perfect!

So why do I share all of this… all these random details that you may or may not want to know? You see each step of the way, in the midst of uncertainty, change… you name it… Emmanuel was there by our side. Emma came not on our time table, but exactly when God wanted her to come. She came when both Ben and my Dad were in town, when my doctor was on call, when a group of amazing midwives were working… on and on I could go… He was faithfully taking care of all of the details- both big and small throughout our time in Beijing. He was with us each step of the way. It is my prayer that our sweet Emma that is part of the name Emmanuel will come to know our Heavenly Father one day and that she too will know that He is with her each step of the way :).

Emma Ruth

Growing up I had a list- a list of names that I wanted to name my children one day. I was thinking 5 was a good number, a mix of boys and girls. My names were highly flowery in nature- more from an earlier generation and not necessarily names that were popular at the time. Some were names that came from books that had inspired me through the years. For example I was determined to have a little girl with the middle name of Anne- Anne with an ‘e’ that is just so I could make a connection to the beloved classic- Anne of Green Gables.

So when it came time for Ben and I to talk through baby names I have to confess that had more than one option to consider. In my heart of hearts from the beginning of our pregnancy our baby was a girl so I naturally migrated towards girl names. One name that came up in our discussion was Emma. You see while Ben and I were dating I had a day dream of sorts that included a little girl named Emma- wasn’t sure why at the time so I wrote it down and put it on the back burner for the time being (if I remember correctly this was during our annual insurance meeting- something about maternity packages got my brain to start dreaming :).

Emma- why did this name keep coming up? The more we talked about this name the more I liked it and as soon as the gender was confirmed I started calling our little one Emma. Now for a middle name… my first thought was Emma Leigh. I thought it would be fun to reclaim my old middle name somehow, but when you said the two names together it sounded a bit funny- more like Emily than two separate names. Towards the end of our summer home the name Ruth came to my mind, but I didn’t vocalize it. On a drive to pick up dinner Ben threw out the name Ruth. I couldn’t believe it- we had both separately thought of the same name. Perhaps this was the one? But still we decided to play around with options a bit. After all our ultrasound that said girl was quite early. What if we were having a boy?

So we put the naming of our child aside until we were able to 100% confirm that we were indeed having a daughter. Then we felt like we could move forward with officially naming our little girl. As I started thinking through the significance of these names- Emma and Ruth several things came to mind.

Emma…

Emma was the name of Ben’s great-grandmother. Her engagement diamond is part of my engagement ring. She was a teacher and helped support her granddaughter through college (Ben’s Mom). Since Ben and I have been together I have heard many a story of this women and her faith.

Ruth…

During high school and college a book that I turned to many times was ‘Lady in Waiting’. It was a book that used the story of Ruth to share the importance of God’s timing and provision. In China I actually found copies of this book in Chinese and was able to share it with my Chinese friends. On another note, after our miscarriage the fall of 2013 Ben and I missed several Sunday mornings at fellowship. During that time we both went through an online study of Ruth. It was a healing time for myself as we worked through all that had taken place in only a few months after being married. The story of Ruth for as long as I can remember has held a special place in my life.

Our daughter will not carry the name of the famous heroine in Anne of Green Gables, nor will she carry one of the antique names that I penned as a young girl, but her name will hold special meaning to us both as her name didn’t come over night, but rather through the years.

Moving On

Written on: May 12, 2014

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a teacher. From the time I was young I was creating crafts, projects, and even tests for my sister as well as my friends to complete under my tutelage. When I went to college there was no question what I would major in- teaching of course. It was my dream, my passion… I lived and breathed children’s literature, would lie awake at night laying out plans for my future classroom, and absolutely loved shopping and finding items for my classroom whether that be at a back to school sale at Target or visiting a local teacher supply store. In some ways I think it was in my blood. It has been something I have wanted to do since I was in the third grade.

You see I had an amazing 3rd grade teacher. A teacher that believed in me, that supported me, and even cried with me (third grade was the year that I got glasses- it was a bit rough to say the least). I knew after leaving her class I wanted to be her. I wanted to inspire and shape a group of children through education. So despite the fact that I was only 9 years old- I knew this was what I was meant to do.

I am currently wrapping up my tenth year of teaching. Add a college and Master’s degree to the mix it and has been quite the adventure. Three years of third grade teaching at the same school I did my student teaching at followed by seven years in China- a place that I have come to call home. Has it always been easy? Have I always loved it? No, there have been days I have been so exhausted, so frustrated… ready to give in, but in the back of my mind I always knew this was what I was meant to do. Two years of my teaching career in China I served as both the 2nd grade teacher and elementary principal. It was a lot and most days I felt like I was in way over my head. It was absolutely tiring and during this time I acquired hives that have yet to go away. My health was not the best, but despite this I knew the Father had called me to both of these jobs and I was content.

At the end of last school year I was given the chose to continue teaching or to serve as a full time administrator. Although there were things that I enjoyed about each of my jobs I knew I couldn’t give up teaching (my first love :). So after a two day retreat it was decided that I would no longer be principal, but would focus on teaching. This was an extremely difficult decision to make, but I knew in my heart of hearts that this is what I needed to do.

As this school year went on I began to feel a tug on my heart that this would be my last year of teaching and that after ten years it was time to take a break. Yes, I knew a break would be good for my health, but to be honest I wasn’t exactly sure why God was leading me in this direction. So after talking to my bosses we began to move forward with the plan of me not teaching the following year.

Just like in some ways I felt like I had lost my identify when I was married once again I feel like I am losing my identify as I step done from all that is familiar in life. I no longer need to buy items for my students in the summer, I don’t need to create supply lists or schedules…. ultimately my role will change in the community. Although I am not 100% sure what next year will look like I am looking forward to seeing what opportunities I have as I move into more of a part time role.

Ultimately I would love to start a family, to spend more time with the families in our community, and to help new staff get settled. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Am I stepping out in faith? That I am, but I am confident that the same Heavenly Father that has been walking by my side throughout my life, who put a desire to teach on my heart, will also be working and molding me into exactly the person He needs me to be.

May I be faithful to follow Him and to be open to new possibilities in the future :).

New Chapter

Written on January 13, 2014
Edited on April 20, 2014

For 6 and ½ years I have taught in the same school building. I have moved multiple times (5 if I counted correctly). Some rooms have been nice and spacious (especially when you only have 6 students) while others have been tight (like that time I was in a half classroom with 9 students). There were definitely moments of frustration- when the power went out, when the heat just didn’t seem to work, when technology broke down, when there were unexpected visits and people crowded into the back of your classroom to observe ‘the foreign teacher’…. and on and on I could go. Despite all of these things these aren’t the things that stand out in my mind. Don’t get me wrong I love our new school building and after many years of praying and planning it has been a huge blessing to be able to move into our new space. At the same time it is a bit bittersweet. The building we were in for so many years has so many sweet memories.
Here are just a few:

1-International Days we hosted outside- one of my first introductions to the International community we live in
2-Tri-school events where students from a local Chinese and French school crammed into our classrooms to hear the Christmas story and to complete crafts and activities.
3-Weekend practices for a staff number in the talent show- still can’t believe I did this!
4-Open Houses where families from around the world entered our classrooms and interacted with other families.
5-Mother’s Day teas in my classroom where Moms and their children enjoyed each other’s company.
6-Multiplication Musicals, class skits, and presentations where staff, parents and students visited our classroom.
7-Participating as a Science Fair judge two years in a row- checking out student projects with my students.
8-Having Ben visit my classroom to read stories, present about Texas, check out projects, and interact with my students.
9-Serving as our school’s elementary principal for two years- having an office space, attending meetings, and being able to be a voice for the elementary team.
10-Dress-up days for unit parties- 13 Colonies and Ancient Egypt as well as school-wide school spirit days.
11-Attending weekly assemblies and discussions that have stemmed from what was shared.
12-Literature Nights run by me and my roomie
13-Two accreditation visits- both completely different
14-Baby and wedding showers

And on and on I could go…now on to a new chapter… what memories do we have in store next?

Childlike Faith

Written on: April 2nd (in route from Beijing to Wuhan)

We were all a child once. We knew no limits, we dreamed big, our biggest worry was the monster under our bed or if our best friend would share their markers with us during art class. There was an innocence… a gullibility at times… we trusted, we loved unconditionally and we looked at life through rose tinted glasses- life was an amazing adventure in which even the smallest victories were looked upon as huge successes…but somewhere a transition happened. We began to see life for what it was really worth. We began to notice heart break, suffering…we learned about sickness, disease, sickness, addictions…the chaos of sin. We began to find it hard to trust others and found it easier to live inward rather than outwardly accepting those around us. Is this normal and why does this happen?

Over Spring Break Ben and I were in Beijing for a few days. During our stay we visited the local Zoo. One particular exhibit that stood out to me was the polar bear house. A group of Chinese children in matching green athletic gear were running from window to window in search of the polar bear. Words cannot begin to describe their excitement as they shouted to their friends about the polar bears whereabouts. When they finally saw him they quickly all ran to the windows trying to get the best view. We didn’t exactly share in the student’s excitement. All we noticed was how the habitat didn’t seem suitable for the polar bear and that he was clearly unhappy. So why the difference in our reactions?

I believe that as adults we quickly lose focus. We spend so much time worrying about our circumstances (our surroundings-our habitat so to speak) that we lose sight of the one who is in charge. Rather than focusing on the here and now (the excitement of being at the Zoo for example) we spend our time making ‘to do’ lists in our head, pondering and worrying over everything under the sun. This means many times we miss out on the little blessings that the Father puts before us. For the students we saw at the Zoo they weren’t focused on the crowds, the hot weather, or the bugs…they were completely content to watch the animals with their friends.

How often do we forget to slow down- to stop and smell the roses so to speak? Have we as adults become so consumed with the negative of life that we have lost our childlike faith and trust? So as I return to the chaos of life my hope and prayer is that I will remember my trip to the Zoo and the lessons that were brought to the forefront from a group of excited little children. For He said…. “Let the little children come unto me…”

Control and Change

Written on February 28, 2014

Have you ever had a timeline? A schedule of when you thought certain things should happen? Well I feel like I have had both of these running in my mind my whole life. When would I go to China? When would I get married? When would I have kids? In my mind I had everything figured out, but I had left something out of the picture- something very important.

I had left God out of all my ‘planning’ and ‘scheduling’. I was doing everything backwards. After all He knew me inside and out, He knew my past, present, and future. Not only that He knows my fears and dreams and ultimately what is best for me. Why haven’t I put Him first before planning my whole life out? Why do I not trust Him and relinquish control of all the thoughts I have swirling around in my head?

Two words- control and change…

I want to be in control of what happens in my life- so I plan, I organize -not always a bad thing, but at the same time it is easy to go overboard in this area. I have been told by multiple people on a variety of occasions that I just need to relax; to chill, not always easy to do with a never ending list running in my head.

Change- although since living in China I have found myself a bit more flexible than my old self I still find it extremely difficult to accept and embrace change- especially when there isn’t time to process through change that is taking place. For example in the past year I have moved to a new apartment, have a new roommate- my husband, moved to a new school building, had a new teaching intern, stepped down as elementary principal- just to name a few. Although many of these changes are good in and of themselves they still come with their share of challenges as well as periods of transition.

So I cling tightly to what I can grab on to and at times wade through the chaos of daily life.

I don’t think I will ever be able to fully step away from my ‘planning’ nature- in many ways this is what makes me who I am- who doesn’t enjoy a well- planned out event?

At the same time I would like to get past the point where I can truly say ‘Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done’ and be okay with sitting back and letting God do His thing. After all can’t I trust Him?

Looking back at my life there were so many things I had planned out in my head that didn’t pan out how I thought they should. Does this mean He didn’t care or that what I wanted was thrown to the wayside? No, I still made it to China, I still got married… just not on my time table… does this mean that He will always give us the things on our timeline- not necessarily, but in the end I know in my heart of hearts we serve a God who loves us. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He doesn’t make mistakes, there are no accidents. Many times I think He is just waiting for us to surrender control.